I signed on to messenger tonight and was deciding what to change my handle to and the only thing I could think of was that I’m glad to be where I am. I feel like I’ve been going through some sort of soul searching, growing process lately and I’ve come out of the worst of it and am getting comfortable with the newness. Before we went away I was stressed. Stressed about my life, how things were with Cooper and I ( his endless bad mood- my inability to make it better), my relationship with my husband; everything just felt out of sorts. Even the good days had a negative sway to them. I was frustrated and didn’t know where to begin with fixing it because I didn’t really know the root of my problem. Then we went on holidays and the third day we were there Cooper woke up at 5am (3:30am our time) ready to start the day. I thought I was going to snap. I brought him into bed with us and turned on the dvd player hoping to get another 20 minutes sleep if possible. Then I heard a knock at our door. It was my mom. “here, let me take him, I can’t sleep either”. Cooper ran to the door, excited to see her and off he went down the hall towards the playroom. I slept in until 9am (7:30 our time). I don’t have the words to describe how amazing it felt to be able to sleep in and wake up by own body clock. I was so completely grateful to my mom for saving me that morning. A few short days later, Cooper was having a completey miserable morning. Melt downs that couldn’t be stopped filled the morning and when nap time came and went I was raw. Hubby walked in the door from a morning of golfing and I snapped “We have to go for a drive!!!”. So for a drive we went so Cooper would at least have a forced nap. We got in the truck and before we even made it down the driveway I was in tears. So completely over whelmed and frustrated, i couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. In the confines of the truck and the safety of just my husband, I let go. Cooper had quieted down as he loves car rides and was getting ready to sleep and hubby just kept driving. He didn’t say anything. Just let me let everything out. Thinking back, I don’t know if he wasn’t talking to me because he was upset with me for being so short and harsh with him right when he walked in the door or if he was just letting me go. Either way, it was what I needed. just the comfort of him being there. I know it’s ingrained in men to “fix” all the problems but I didn’t need a solution, I jsut needed to cry. The scenery was breath taking and the smell of wood burning stoves filled the truck whenever I’d let down the window to take a picture. Calmness came over me and I felt so much better jsut having let it all out.
That night in bed, hubby and I had a really good talk. The kind of talk that brings you closer together as a couple. He made some really good points to me and I think understood more where I was coming from with what I was stressing about. But one thing he said to me which has really stuck is that you have the choice to make yoru day what it’s going to be regardless of what’s happening around you. It’s something so simple so say and hear but so hard to do some days. Choose to be happy.
Ever since our vacation, I can’t say that Cooper has been any better, I can say that I’ve been a lot bettter in how I deal with him. My days are not filled with so much frustration any more. I’ve come to let go of a lot of the idealoogies I had that were bothering me. We’ve still had really bad moments but it’s in those moments that I sit back and say to myself “this is exactly what I wanted, I am exactly where I want to be in my life right now and how thankful I am to have what I have. When I think about that and truly think about the impact of that statement, Cooper’s fits don’t seem that bad even if they are in the middle of the grocery store and people are staring. Somehow since that talk in bed with hubby I’ve even felt a difference in the way we are towards each other. There’s a new level of understanding and respect for one another and that feels really good. I even notice he’s more confident with Cooper and is being more attentive to him. And there’s nothing like seeing your husband being a good dad.
I’ve grown, even if just a little bit, as a person and as hard as that is, it’s always a good thing in the end.